Do you suffer from “good girl syndrome”?

Do you suffer from “Good Girl Syndrome”?

I would hazard a guess that if you are a woman in our society you have experienced the effects of this in your life. Although we have come a long way from the days when adults outright said things like “girls are meant to be seen and not heard” this belief still runs as a subconscious undercurrent in the messaging that we received (and often continue to receive) growing up. When women who speak up for themselves are seen as bitchy, bossy, and rude, how can we believe otherwise? We don’t want to be labelled that way, we want to be “sugar and spice and everything nice”... don’t we?

There are many ways that good girl syndrome can show up in your life. Even those of us with big loud opinions (hands up over here) still grapple with it on a daily basis. Here are a few of the symptoms that you may be able to identify in yourself:

• People pleasing

• Conforming to fit in with the group

• Avoiding confrontation and conflict

• Prioritizing others’ needs above your own

• Suppressing your feelings (especially anger)

• Ignoring your Intuition

• Shrinking yourself so as not to discomfit others

So how does this happen and why is it so dangerous?

We receive messaging both overt and covert from a young age around what kinds of behaviours are appropriate for girls. We are told to be nice, to be agreeable, and to be polite. We are told this even when all the alarm bells in our little bodies are going off. The classic example of this is when your (well-intentioned) mother tells you to give someone a hug even when you really don’t want to. You don’t want to be rude do you? You don’t want to hurt their feelings do you? 

I could go on and on for days about the “how” of good girl syndrome, but what I really want to focus on here is why it is so dangerous. 

Let’s start with a story…

I suspected, about 4 months before my wedding, that I was unhappy in my relationship. It kept bubbling to the surface in the form of doubts, fears, feelings of unease, and restlessness. Although I never said it outright, there were enough signs for some of my closest friends to see what I was not truly willing to admit, even to myself. I have a distinct memory of sitting with a group of friends that summer before my wedding when one of them said to me, “you don’t have to get married.” WHAM. It hit me like a punch in the gut… When she said those words my whole body screamed “Don’t do it! Don’t get married! You can leave now!” But at that time I couldn’t fathom listening to my body, to my heart. My head was fully in charge and my head said something like this:

“You can’t call off the wedding! Everyone is already invited, the venue is booked, people have flights, everybody knows! If you called it off now you’d be letting everyone down. It would be so embarrassing. Would people be able to get refunds on their flights? What would everyone think of you? You would look like a total failure. Can you imagine how he would feel? He would be so devastated. Think of all the people that you would hurt if you did this. How could you be so selfish? He’s a good man, isn’t he? Why do you think you deserve better than this? You don’t deserve better…” 

…and so on.

Fast forward 4 years. Four years of ignoring my needs, of numbing and finding ways to cope with the deep unhappiness in my bones. Four years of telling myself this was normal, this was probably as good as it gets anyway, this wasn’t that hard, and I was strong enough to do it forever. Four years of deeply believing that I was solely responsible for his emotional well-being, at the expense of my own.

The heartburn started one night sitting on the couch. I didn’t know what it was. I’d never had heartburn before. A month or so later it happened again. The next time it woke me up in the middle of the night. It began coming more and more frequently, often in the middle of the night, never with any trigger or reason that I could tell. At first gaviscon helped, but eventually I was prescribed a daily proton pump inhibitor to manage it, as nothing over the counter would touch it anymore. 

The day after I left my marriage, I took the last proton pump inhibitor in the bottle. 

I have had mild heartburn only 3 times since that day. (it’s been 3 ½ years)

When we don’t listen to our intuition, to our heart, to our deeper knowing, eventually our bodies will get our attention. Whether it be heartburn, chronic illness, debilitating muscle pain, autoimmune issues, or a host of other things, the body speaks loudly when we have failed to heed the quieter signals of the heart. When we stuff our emotions down because getting angry is not lady-like, when we suffer in silence so that we don’t hurt other peoples’ feelings, when we cram ourselves into a little box of “normal” so that others will like us and not feel uncomfortable around us, we hurt ourselves at a cellular level. Not only that, we ultimately hurt those we love as well. 

Beginning the work of overcoming good girl syndrome is not easy. There is no quick fix or overnight cure. It takes intention, awareness, and a deep commitment to doing better and being better for ourselves (first and foremost) and for the people who love us and look up to us. If we can do this, we are well on our way to changing the world, one “good girl” at a time.

- - -

How did you feel reading my story? Did it resonate? Can you identify areas in your own life where good girl syndrome is preventing you from showing up as the truest, most fulfilled, happiest, and most lovingly selfish (gasp!) version of yourself? How would it feel to put yourself first? To prioritize your own needs? To listen to your intuition and what your body is telling you and then to act according to what you hear? 

Let me know! Send me an email to eileen@myluminouslife.ca or message me on IG @myluminouslife_

Hugs!