Fear of Failure

Failure. It’s a big, scary word.

As humans, we are often so afraid of failure that it prevents us from starting things… Or, just as frequently I believe, from ending things.

Six and a half years ago I graduated from school and became a Registered Midwife. I loved my job. It was such a privilege to be present for so many people's life-changing moments. To witness new life coming into the world. To journey with women as they navigated pregnancy, childbirth, and those first few tender weeks of being a new mother. I loved my job, and yet, only six and a half years after beginning, I have left it. 

What the heck happened? Was I not strong enough to do this work? Did I not have what it took to be a midwife? Was I not compassionate enough… selfless enough?

The answer to all of those questions is a resounding NO, but it took me some time to realize that and to accept the truth of it. The reality is that I was too strong. I kept pushing through when my body was screaming at me to stop. I was too compassionate. I'd toss and turn at night worrying about my clients, leaving me emotionally depleted. I was too selfless. I ignored my own needs for rest, food, and even water, putting everyone else's needs before my own. I was exhausted. And the result was that I burnt out, hard. I felt like a complete failure.

The decision to leave was terrifying, but the moment I made it I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. While the uncertainty of walking away from a stable income into entrepreneurship brought its own worries and stressors with it, there was a knowledge deep within my bones that I had made the right decision. It took time, and lots of work, but eventually I was able to shift my mindset and come to the realization that I didn't fail, I was failed.

I was failed by a society that undervalues women's work. By a society that applauds women's selflessness and rewards unhealthy sacrifices. By a society that praises the hustle and pits us one against the other in our “pride” about being busier, more overwhelmed, less rested…

I want to be a part of the change that this world needs for us all to feel deserving and worthy of rest. Of nourishment. Of love and equality. Of enjoying this one life we know that we have to its absolute fullest. I do not want anyone to have to keep pushing through.

When I think about helping women move beyond overwhelm, past the guilt and the shame felt when they dare to prioritize themselves, I light up inside. It is such a privilege to be able to help empower women to lead more fulfilled, meaningful, easeful, and joy-filled lives.

In the wise words of Mary Oliver - “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”