How to Rest when you don’t (feel like you can) want to.

I had someone ask me recently if I could speak to how to rest when you don’t want to and I had to clarify exactly what she meant. Here’s why:

No one has ever told me they don’t actually want more rest in their lives.

However, it’s all too common to hear that someone doesn’t feel they can rest until…

Until the dishes are done, until the inbox is empty, until the dog has been given a bath, until the kids are in bed for the night, until, until, until…

It’s not that you don’t want to rest, it’s that it feels impossible while there is still a looming to-do list, family, and work responsibilities (and who are you to deserve it anyway?).

Not wanting to rest until ______ is a symptom of hustle culture and its pervasive message that our worth is tied to our productivity. It is DEEPLY ingrained in our minds and bodies and it requires time and effort to begin to excise this belief. You might find that you physically cannot rest when there are still things left to do. You feel too much guilt in your body to actually enjoy any downtime. Or, when you try to rest, you find yourself mindlessly scrolling social media, which leaves you feeling more depleted than when you sat down to rest in the first place.

Even fun activities with friends can get in the way of resting. Saying no to something fun can feel disappointing, almost like you are punishing yourself. And if you’re anything like me, the FOMO can hit hard!

I am all for doing the things that fill your cup, but if hanging out with friends and saying yes to every invite is leaving you depleted physically, even if it leaves you more full emotionally, something has to shift (and ideally it’s the things that don’t fill any of your cups!).

If you are a woman, you likely find rest even harder to allow yourself than the men in your life do. This is of course not true for everyone, but in my experience, it is common. Much of this is tied to what I call “Good Girl Syndrome” and stems from women having been rewarded from a young age for putting everyone else’s needs before their own, making sure not to ruffle any feathers, and keeping things neat and tidy (in both physical and emotional spaces). I could go on and on (and I do in other posts!) but for today I’d like to keep things short and actionable (I know you have a lot to do… ).

So, how do you begin to incorporate rest when you don’t (feel like you can) want to?

1. Start small - Even 5 deep, mindful breaths, with a purposefully longer exhale than inhale, is restful to your nervous system. It is amazing how much tiny pockets of intentional rest sprinkled throughout your busy day can do for your overall well-being and restedness.

2. Keep it simple - Rest doesn’t need any bells and whistles. Sure a luxurious bubble bath is delightful, but maybe all you have time for is a 10-minute cat nap on the couch or a quick guided meditation.

3. Go to bed just a little bit earlier - Set a reminder on your phone to start getting ready for bed 30-60 minutes before you actually want to be lights out. It’s all too easy to get caught up with a few last chores or just one more episode and find yourself getting to bed too late to get enough sleep. The bedtime reminder is a gentle nudge to put away your screens and start your bedtime routine.

4. Set boundaries - With yourself and with others. By keeping things off your to-do list in the first place, you’ll have more spaciousness for rest. For tips about just how to go about doing this if it feels impossible, read my post about how to say no, better.

5. Create a “To Be” list - Okay hear me out. Write a list of all the things you want to be. Things like Kind, Compassionate, Fun, Rested, Present, Joyful… Then write an activity or practice that helps you embody those ways of Being. Prioritize at least ONE item on your “To Be” list every day as a non-negotiable.

6. Change your language - When you are constantly telling yourself (and others) that you can’t rest “until”, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It will feel true in your body and guilt-free rest will remain impossible. Say (aloud) to yourself: I can rest today. By telling yourself this, even if you don’t believe it at first, you will begin rewiring the thought patterns that keep you in hustle and guilt.

   I am here to tell you that you are worthy of rest. You are worthy of it for the simple fact that you are a human and you are alive. And that has always been, and will always be, enough.

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   If you are ready to shift your relationship with rest so that you can experience more presence, purpose, and joy in your life but you need support, I would be happy to hop on a free curiosity call with you to see if I am the right person to support you.