How to say no, better.
One of my favourite things to work on with clients is boundaries.
Boundaries are a huge, sticky, juicy, tricky, vulnerable topic. They are all tied up with “Good Girl Syndrome”, people pleasing, and the Mother Wound. The topic of boundaries warrants an entire {long} blog post all to itself, and it shall have one, just not today!
Today we are going to talk about one aspect of boundary setting in particular: the art of saying No, better.
Saying no kindly, clearly, and without an opening for rebuttal is an essential skill, and it’s one that many women struggle with.
If you are anything like me, you probably find it difficult to say no to people. There are so many layered reasons for this. As women, we are praised from an early age for putting others’ needs before our own. Always saying yes to people is rewarded and reinforced as good behaviour over and over. Along with this praise for saying yes is the implicit understanding that NOT helping others, NOT saying yes to every request, is somehow shameful, disrespectful, or rude.
When women enforce boundaries, it is not uncommon for them to be labelled as a bitch. More often than not it is other women, it is you and I, who are casting this shame and judgement.
Why is that?
It’s because we have poor boundaries ourselves and there’s often a feeling of “how dare she prioritize herself?” driving our response. This reaction hides a deeper {often subconscious} feeling of envy and a sense that it is unfair that another woman can choose to put herself first when we can’t. Or it can stem from a perceived lack of reciprocation when we have poured ourselves into someone and said yes to their every request but then they turn around and say no to us.
Sometimes, there truly is an imbalance in the give and take required in a given relationship. Some people truly do take advantage of people who are more generous than they are.
However, when someone who has good boundaries makes a request, they are prepared to receive No for an answer.
And if they receive a yes, they tend to believe that the person saying yes is saying so wholeheartedly and not out of feelings of obligation or guilt.
If you feel resentful, hurt, upset, or bitter when someone says no to you, it is time to evaluate your boundaries. {If you feel this way when a woman sets or enforces a boundary with you, ask yourself… do you feel the same if the boundary setter/enforcer is a man? - another topic for its very own blog post}
So how do you say “No” better? How do you overcome the fear, guilt, and shame that wells up in your tummy just thinking about saying No?
Give Yourself Space
Practice taking time before giving someone an answer to a request or invitation.
This can sound like “I’d love to but I just need to check that I’m available” or simply, “Let me get back to you on that”.
Then, give yourself a few minutes, hours, or even days to sit with the request, listen to your intuition, and be honest with yourself as to whether you have the capacity to say yes or not. {it can be nice to let the person know when you will answer them by so you don’t leave them hanging and so they aren’t checking in with you to reply before you’re ready}
Be Clear (Clear is Kind, as Brene says)
If your answer is No, say No.
Don’t say “I’ll try” or “Maybe next time” if you don’t mean it. These leave the other person feeling hopeful and then ending up disappointed. Or they put you in a position of feeling obligated to say Yes the next time or of doing the thing when you really don’t want to and then feeling resentful and depleted.
If you do want to be asked again, then saying something like “I’d really love to but I can’t, please ask me next time though!” is great. If you want to soften the blow of saying No, and don’t want to be asked again, then something like “Thank you for asking, but I can’t.” is clear and kind and isn’t inviting future requests of the same type.
Keep it Brief
Remember, “No.” is a complete sentence.
There is no need to explain why you are saying No. In fact, an explanation leaves room for the other person to circumvent your No.
You: “I really wish I could but I’ve got plans that night.” Them: “No worries, I’m flexible! What night are you free?”
Remember, when you say no to someone who has good boundaries, they will respect your no (and likely thank you for being honest with them). When you say no to someone with poor boundaries, however, you might experience some push-back or even shame or judgement. In these moments it can be difficult to remember that their reaction is not about you, it is entirely about them.
So how do you keep yourself from getting stuck in the feelings of guilt, shame, or regret that are likely to surface as you start to set boundaries and avoid being gaslit by an upset friend, client, or family member?
Have a trusted friend or partner to talk to about it
Make sure there’s someone you can reach out to. Someone with whom you have discussed your desire to create better boundaries and who is on board to support you in this.
Write about it
Get out your journal or just a piece of paper and write about the boundary you set, WHY you set it, your feelings, and the person’s reaction. The WHY is really important here. It gives you an anchor to hold onto and reminds you of the validity of your need and desire for the boundary.
Get grounded
Practice some deep breathing, grounding exercises, or an affirmation meditation {get my recorded boundaries affirmation meditation here!} to bring yourself back to your body in the present moment and remind yourself that you DESERVE to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
If you found this blog useful or have any questions I’d love to hear from you! Send me an email at eileen@myluminouslife.ca or shoot me a message over on Instagram @myluminouslife_ or Facebook @myluminouslifecoaching
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And stay tuned for a post digging deeper into boundaries!
